Decaf

Decaf (a parody of “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse)

They tried to make me go for decaf, I said no, no, no
If it’s real whack, I’ll send it right back, like whoa, whoa, whoa
I ain’t got the time, and though I’d rather drink some wine
They tried to make me go for decaf, don’t think so, so, so!

I’d rather eat a jar of mayonnaise
I don’t like that aftertaste
I was runnin’, runnin’ down on Peachtree
Had time to burn that given Saturday
I didn’t sleep that much in class
But that decaf cup can kiss my black ass

They tried to make me go for decaf, I said no, no, no
Just pour me a Jack, I’ll make some light snacks, fo’ sho, sho, sho
Decaf tastes like slime, and it should really be a crime
They tried to make me go for decaf, I won’t go, go, go!

The man said, “What do you think ’bout beer?”
I said, “Ain’t got any here”
“And the people, the people call me crazy
So I always keep that java near.”
He said, “Let’s just drink for the best.”
This me, “One-eighty, and the rest”

They tried to make me go for decaf, I said no, no, no
Even if I’m on crack, it wouldn’t mean jack, you know, know, know

I can’t never really drink again
I just ooooh want this curse to end
I’m not gonna spend twelve dollars
Have everyone think I’ve gone the trend
It’s not that I’m fried
It’s just till these beans have dried

They tried to make me go for decaf, I said no, no, no
If it’s real whack, I’ll send it right back, like whoa, whoa, whoa
Full caf will be mine, and if the barista thinks I’m fine
She’s tried to make me go for decaf, I won’t go, go, go!

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Trump

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Trump
(a Parody of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch)

You’re a mean one, Mr. Trump
You really are a schmuck
You’re as lovely as poison ivy
You’re as graceful as a duck
Mr. Tru-ump
When it comes to helping the poor, you just don’t give a fuck!

You’re a nut job, Mr. Trump
Your heart’s a bottomless hole
Your mouth is full of bullshit
You’ve got a brain made out of coal
Mr. Tru-ump
I wouldn’t touch you with an 18 3/4 foot pole

You’re a vile one, Mr. Trump
You have evil in your smirk
You have all the warmth and kindness of a whiskey drunken jerk
Mr. Tru-ump
Given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the whisky drunken jerk!

You’re a stinker, Mr. Trump
You’re a nasty, wasty runt
Not sure where that toupée has been
But you’re pulling quite a stunt
Mr. Tru-ump
The one word of the town you tried to tax, one word on whether you can, and one word to describe you are…
Kent, can’t, cunt!

You’re an asshat, Mr. Trump
You’re the king of drama queens
Your heart’s a smelly rotten pot with moldy collard greens
Mr. Tru-ump
You’re soul is the equivalent of a mind-fucking spoiled brat who whines, shouts, and pouts in order to get his way after being told no repeatedly…. in short, a kid who kicks and screams!

You infuriate me, Mr. Trump
Like a furious super sleaze
You’re a crooked wicked wacko
You bring lions to their knees
Mr. Tru-ump
You’re a four decker e-coli meat and horseradish sandwich…. with six-month-old cheese!

It’s Just a Cup

The dreaded red cup. Yes, that cup.

Starbucks Cup for Holiday 2015.

It has sparked controversy for the wrong reasons. In fact, it has blown up my social feed for the past 48 hours. Reason? Starbucks has decided to drop the “Merry Christmas” tagline from all of their red cups.

Their goal is to attract — rather than alienate — their fan base, particularly during the Holidays. I said Holidays — Christmas ain’t the only holiday people celebrate in December. Don’t forget the fact there’s also Hanukkah, Festivus, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day and Eid just to name a few.  As a Christian, it pains me to say that the people crying War on Christmas have gone too far.

Here’s the deal…. it’s just a dang cup, Jack. Stop getting so worked up about it. Or kvetching, as a few Jewish friends would call it. We get it. You want to put the “Christ” back into “Christmas.” But you’re not going to get there by complaining about a red cup. I bet the red cup had no more to do with Christmas than chestnuts roasting on an open fire. (Just saying)

Solution: suck it up and embrace the difference among society as a whole. Maybe then, and only then, people will take Christmas as seriously as you do. Love. One. Another. Now is that so hard?

Skittles Orchards Review

Yestarday, I bought a pack of Skittles Orchards, which have been on the market since late last year. At that time the Skittles Darkside variety was on its way out and I’ve yet to try them. Oh well. But them Orchards definitely caught my eye, and yes, Skittles has outdone itself. The five flavors of Skittles Orchards are Orange, Red Apple, Cherry, Peach, and Lime (so THAT’S where they put the Lime Skittles!).

I am going to review the five flavors one by one and give a rating for each of them.

Orange: Because Orange, that’s why. A verrrrrrrrrry familiar flavor in the Original variety. Fresh squeezed. 8.4

Cherry: The cherry flavor is subtle but still pronounced. It’s not like,  “I’m the f***in’ Cherry Skittle!” but still just as tasty. 7.6

Red Apple: Out of the two apple-flavored Skittles, I like the Red Apple ones better. Although you still get the apple-y tang you’d expect from any apple-flavored candy, it’s more of a gentler apple flavor. Suck it, Green Apple! Lol. 7.8

Peach: The peach flavor is slightly….. off. Considering I’ve never been a big peach-flavored candy fan. 6.9

Lime: Poor, poor Lime. First they take him out of the Original mix in favor of nasty ass Green Apple. Then they put him in the now-discontinued Skittles Darkside as “Midnight Lime”. Now he’s in the Skittles Orchards variety. I’d rather they put Lime back into the Originals, put Watermelon in the Orchards as the green Skittle, and get rid of Green Apple altogether. But that’s none of my business. 9.7

Overall score:  8.1 (B-)

Why the “Original” Skittles Were Better

Original Skittles Pack

It has been more than two years since Skittles replaced Lime with Green Apple as the designated flavor for the green skittle, ultimately ruining the Original Skittles pack.

Until February 2013, Lime was the green skittle for a long time, except for a brief replacement in 2001. I stopped eating the Original Skittles in late 2012 because there were several other varieties to choose from, including Dessert Skittles (I have never tried the Darkside Skittles yet, so please don’t ask me how they taste). Amazing, dessert in a Skittle? Who’d have thunk it! The news that broke everyone’s hearts was that lime had been replaced with green apple.

Don’t get me wrong. Green Apple is a great flavor on its own, but it does not play well with the other 4 flavors (i.e. Strawberry, Orange, Lemon, and Grape). The creator of Candyblog wrote an entry about how Lime was an agreeable flavor in the Skittles bunch. “Strawberry & Lime was a daiquiri. Lemon & Lime was a soda. Grape & Lime was a great fruit punch. Orange & Lime was a citrus cooler,” she says. Yes, Lime was a mild flavor.

But Green Apple overpowers the other flavors. Grape and Green Apple don’t work. Orange and Green Apple is, eh, fine. Lemon and Green Apple is deemed passable, but as Apple has screwed up, Lemon is trying to make up for it. Strawberry and Green Apple? Well, let’s just say after the latest incident between those two, Strawberry has not spoken to Apple since.

The reaction on Facebook about Green Apple replacing Line as the designated green Skittle has been, for the most part, negative. I’m not even gonna try to read the comments — that’s how much they hated the change. It is akin to messing with an original. So far I’ve yet to find one positive remark about the flavor change.

Even though the “Original” Skittles as we know it are no more as of February 2013, there are still a few varieties to choose from. My favorite variety so far would have to be the Wildberry mix.

I still need to try the Darkside variety. 😉

CTfastrak expanding to Manchester!

Like it or not, CTfastrak is here to stay.

CTfastrak East Street Station in New Britain.

Since its launch on March 28, the CTfastrak drew in more than 150,000 in the first five weeks alone, exceeding ridership expectations. There are 10 stations on the CTfastrak line between Downtown Hartford and Downtown New Britain, two major hubs for the local bus routes.  CTfastrak currently serves the communites of Hartford, Manchester, West Hartford, Bloomfield, Newington, Wethersfield, New Britain, Bristol, Southington, Cheshire, and Waterbury to name a few.

CTfastrak will soon expand into Manchester and East Hartford. But instead of tearing up many unused roads throughout the two towns, this project will just use the HOV lanes on I-84, and like its west-of-the-river counterpart, add dedicated bus stations, parking, and ticket machines. CTfastrak already has a bus route that serves east-of-the-river, Route 121, which connects Manchester Community College with the UConn Health Center in Farmington. This is exciting news for those who live in East Hartford, Manchester, Vernon or South Windsor.

The Most Wonderful Time for a Beard

Parody of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

It’s the most wonderful time for a beard
With those six months of swelling
And everyone telling
Gee, you look so weird
It’s teh most wonderful time of a beard
It’s the hair-hairiest season of all

With that winter cold bravin’
No I ain’t been shaving
Since early this fall
It’s the hair-hairiest season of all

There’ll be brushes for grooming
And mirrors from zooming
Those whiskers of hair that will grow
There’ll be razors I won’t use
And leftover hair booze
From Christmases a long time ago

It’s the most wonderful time for a beard
With that bouquet collecting
And people respecting
A face to be feared
It’s the most wonderful time for a beard

There’ll be mane pics for boasting
And trimmers for coasting
And no one will ever not know
It’s too cold to be shaven
When I’m in New Haven
So out of the building I go

It’s the most wonderful time for a beard
It’s so hard to remember
Since early September
Those whiskers appeared
It’s the most wonderful time
It’s the most wonderful time
It’s the most wonderful time
For a beard!

Nutmeg State of Mind

This is Connecticut’s take on “Empire State of MInd” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Enjoy!

I up out that Enfield
Now I’m down in Deep River
Right by the beaches, but I’ll be port forever
I’m the new Lobo and since I made it here
I can make it anywhere, yeah they love me everywhere
Used to cop in Meriden, rolling right by Illiano’s
Drivin’ down on West Main, brought me back to that McDonald’s
Ended up in Bloomfield, down Blue Hills Avenue
Catch me goin’ Downtown, fams coming after you
Cruisin’ down 84, off black ‘Cedes
Drivin’ so slow just to check out ladies
Took it up to Mansfield, where I met my man Geno
Now he up on billboards, every time I’m playin’ Keno
Say what up to Ky-Ky, still sippin’ mai-tai
Reppin’ the Dirty, Yanks and Sox give me high five
Player I be decked out, slicker than I’ll ever be
Tell by my jersey that I’m most definitely from

Hartford, concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do
When you’re in Hartford
Autumn leaves will make you feel brand new
The lights will inspire you
Yes only in Hartford, Hartford, Hartford

Catch me at the XL Center at a Whalers game
Shit, I make the Whalers hat more famous than the Whalers can
You should know I bleed blue, but I ain’t from UConn
Splitting my verses so much quicker than a neutron
Welcome to the melting pot, corners where they sellin’ rock
Acapulco Gold and shit, Main and Pearl is the spot
Metro Cab, People’s Cab, Yellow Cab, holla back
Them road ragers in the state don’t even fucking know how to act
8 million pizzas, Pepe’s where they bake it
Traffic is so graphic, half of y’all won’t make it
Me, I gotta stay focused, get it made in the shade
I’m paying my boy Niels if Jay’s paying DeWayne Wade
Two casinos, thirty tech firms
Final Four Parade, rest in peace Kate Hepburn
Ashley and Sigourney
Long live the World Trade
Long live the Mark Twain, I’m from the Nutmeg State that’s…

Hartford, concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do
When you’re in Hartford
Autumn leaves will make you feel brand new
The lights will inspire you
Yes only in Hartford, Hartford, Hartford

Lights is blindin’, them wheels are grindin’
Some fucker kept tailgatin’ me and sidewindin’
Mind the casualties, who choose to ride causally
Then gradually become worse
Don’t fight the traffic, Steve
Caught up in the in-crowd, always in style
And in the winter gets cold, dress warm when you go out
Shall I begin, it’s a city I am in
Good girls gone bad, the city’s filled with them
Tommy took a bus trip, 40-minute bus route
Every time he drivin’, dudes get him cussed out
Hail Mary to the state, and I’m a virgin
New Haven can’t save me, good luck with the merchants
Came here for school, left when taxes took a high rise
Rich people, movie stars, addicted to the limelight
Gampel Pavilion, the home of the Champions
New England’s Rising Star, better buy you an Ambien

Hartford, concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do
When you’re in Hartford
Autumn leaves will make you feel brand new
The lights will inspire you
Yes only in Hartford, Hartford, Hartford
One hand in the air for Insurance City
Mean streets, bright lights, all lookin’ pretty
No place in the world that can compare
Put ya lighters in the air and everybody say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hartford, concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do
When you’re in Hartford
Autumn leaves will make you feel brand new
The lights will inspire you
Yes only in Hartford, Hartford, Hartford

UCONN Top Dog in NCAA Basketball

The University of Connecticut Huskies Men’s Basketball, led by Coach Kevin Ollie, are the four-time National Champions!!! They beat the Kentucky Wildcats 60-54 in an NCAA championship game Monday.

This is UCONN Country

 

My friends, this is UConn Country
Our boys did what they had to do
The haters are now eating humble pie
They wish they made it there too.

Many spectators bet against us
They even judged us and counted us out
But with drive and determination
We got the job done, no doubt

Last night, several stars were born
I welcome you to Olliewood
Where anything is possible
And the frickin’ eating is oh, so good

No obstacle can still us
We won’t be thrown for a loop
On April 5 we turned Florida into yummy Gator soup

The earlier teams were no match
For Giffey, Daniels, or Shabazz
We had the home court advantage
We were smooth like cool jazz

I know it stinks in here
It’s the smell of victory by Brimah
Post him at the shot clock
And he can quickly beat the timer

All doubts have been silenced
Hopes have filled the skies
UConn winning the NCAA Championship
Won’t come as NO surprise

Now the work still continues
A duel against Kentucky
To take the championship title
Wouldn’t THAT make us lucky!

GO UCONN!!!!!! SICK ‘EM!!!!!!!!