Monthly Archives: December 2009

Happy New Year

Feliz Año Nuevo

Bonne Année Nouvelle

Felice Anno Nuovo

Feliz Ano Novo

Glückliches Neues Jahr

سنة جديدة سعيدة.

Szczęśliwego Nowego Roku

Happy New Year

Flyin’ Now Even Less Fun

You thought the security at the airport couldn’t get any tighter.

It all started when that nutjob tried to blow up American Airlines Flight 63 with a bomb in his shoe. Now we’ll all have to remove our shoes at the airport. Honestly, like a woman is gonna blow up a pair of shoes! Then liquids in large containers were no longer allowed. Say goodbye to the 14 oz bottle of shampoo because now you’ve got to buy a teensy, tiny, little bottle of shampoo for 10 times the price. How extreme!

But the nation’s airlines’ security was tested again when a passenger with Al Qaeda ties suspiciously snuck into American Airlines Flight 253 in Detroit with a bomb in his underwear Christmas morning.

Now, you can’t even go to the bathroom an hour before landing. And don’t even think about using your laptop, even if you don’t have one. And pillows…forget them. So from now on, we’re having to put up with overpriced trial-size toiletries, sit down during a flight from the time the plane takes off to the time it lands, and have an uncomfortable flight altogether. I think TSA stands for “Torturing Scared Americans.”

Seriously, how can any liquid be made into a bomb!? Are the TSA agents assuming that we’re all chemists and, therefore, could possibly commit a terrorist attack?

ABC’s of the Aughts

Figured I’d jump on the bandwagon on the “stories of the decade.” As you can see, a new decade is just days away. But before we can look forward to the next decade, let’s take a look back on what happened during this decade.

• A is for attack on American soil. On the morning of September 11, 2001, a hijacked airplane crashed into the World Trade Center in New York, killing over 2,800 people.

• B is for the Boston Red Sox, who won their first World Series since 1918. Just don’t get me started with that “curse” (2004).

• C is for California, where The Terminator star Arnold Schwarzenegger ousted incumbent governor Gray Davis in the state gubernatorial recall election (2003).

• D is for the Duke lacrosse scandal, when in 2006, three lacrosse players were accused of rape and other crimes they did not commit.

E is for Elián González, a young boy who returned to Cuba with his father on June 28, 2000.

F is for Florida, where the President Election 2000 recount took place, costing democratic candidate Al Gore his presidency.

G is for Geno Auriemma, who led his team, the University of Connecticut Lady Huskies, to a perfect season on April 7, 2009.

H is for Howard Dean, who delivered the “scream heard ’round the world” speech on January 18, 2004. Reaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

I is for Iraq. Home of notorious dictator Saddam Hussein, who was executed on December 30, 2006.

J is for Pope John Paul II, who died on April 2, 2005, after serving over 26 years of papacy in the Vatican City.

• K is for Hurricane Katrina. On August 28, 2005, the Category 5 hurricane flooded New Orleans and nearby towns, displacing over 3,000 people and killing 1,736.

L is for the London train bombings, which occurred on July 7, 2005. 56 people were killed.

• M is for Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, who died unexpectedly June 25, 2009 at age 50.

N is for Nasdaq, which reached an all-time high of 5,048 points on March 10, 2000.

O is for Obama. On November 3, 2008, Illinois senator and democratic candidate Barack H. Obama was elected President of the United States of America, the first African-American to hold that title.

P is for Pluto, which was denounced as a planet by the International Astronomical Union (2006).

Q is for quadruplets. Jon and Kate Gosselin, the parents of the two sets of quadruplets, and stars of Jon and Kate Plus 8, finalized the divorce on December 16, 2009.

R is for Rawalpindi, Pakistan. On December 27, 2007, former Pakistan prime minister Benazir Bhutto was assassinated during a bomb blast at an election rally there.

S is for The Shoe Bomber. Outspoken Al Qaeda member Richard Reid, also known as Abdul Raheem, was arrested after he tried to bomb the Boeing 767 by placing explosives in his shoe (2001).

• T is for tsunami, which, caused by a 9.3 magnitude earthquake, strikes the coast of several nations in Southeast Asia, killing 186,983 people and leaving over 40,000 missing.

• U is for Uday Hussein. He and his brother, Qusay, both sons of dictator Saddam Hussein, were killed during a raid by U.S. troops in Mosul, Iraq.

• V is for the Virginia Tech Massacre. 23-year-old English student Seung-Hui Cho shot and killed 27 of his classmates and 5 professors before committing suicide on April 16, 2007.

• W is for waterboarding, generally used as a form of torture to tie the victim down a flat surface and pour water on the face.

• X is for x-ray. This x-ray, used in airports across the country, scans your luggage as it passes through the conveyor belt to detect a possible bomb.

• Y is for Y2K. Worries that computers would malfunction from attempting to shift from 1999 to 2000 were eased when companies worked frantically updating their computers to meet Y2K certification in late 1999.

• Z is for Zinedine Zidane, the retired French football captain, who gained notoriety when he head-butted Italian football player Marco Materazzi. Italy won the World Cup beating France 5-3 on July 9, 2006.

Letter to Santa by Little Johnny

Poor Little Johnny. He wrote an angry letter to Santa Claus to express how much he was screwed the past Christmas. Enjoy! 😉

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I’m writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electic train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not gonna lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fuckin’ yo-yo, a lame-ass whistle and a pair of ugly socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like THIS under the tree?! As if you hadn’t fucked me enough, you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys that he cannot even walk into his house! I’m warning you, Santa! Don’t let me see you trying to fit your fat ass down my chimney next year. I swear I will fuck you up. I’ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you’ll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole…just like what I have to do now since you didn’t get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU, SANTA!! Maybe next year, you’ll find out how bad I can REALLY be, YOU FAT COCK-SUCKER!!!

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas… in Connecticut

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through New Eng-land
Not a flurry was falling, but you wouldn’t understand
All the wreaths were hung, and the lights blinked along
Over 8 million Nutmeggers can’t be wrong

All of us slept snugly inside of our beds
While visions of tax cuts danced in our heads
Our state is in the crapper, no question about it
No reason to explain, I just wanna spout it

Santa could deliver lots and lots of toys
To all of the NUtmegger girls and boys
But, alas, America this year had to cut back
What disappointment for a lighter-loaded sack!

Did that stop Santa Claus? Hell to the no!
He found a way to increase the factory flow
He phoned China of all the places in the world
They sent him those toys, better yet, they hurled

He was a good driver, so we heard him exclaim,
Calling to summon all of his reindeer by name
On Bernanke! On Geithner! On Donald J. Trump!
Let’s make those kids smile in each one swift jump!

The whole town was dark, almost nothing was heard
You couldn’t hear a chirp of a singing bluebird
When what arose near me was such a clatter
I got up from bed to see what was the matter

It was old Saint Nick, or Joe Lieberman in disguise
It’s definitely Joe, I can tell by his eyes
His eyes were bloodshot, his nose like a cherry
His dimples, let’s not go there, it’s kinda scary

He would come down the chimney quick as a breeze
And spoil the people of Connecticut with ease
Every stocking had a plan about health care reform
As if he had worked out a Joe-mentous storm

When he was done, up the chimney he goes
The soot quickly filled the air as he rose
And I heard him exclaim in joyous pride,
“Merry Christmas, Connecticut, and Wess-SSSYYYYYDE!!!”

H1N1 Where!!!??

You got to see this. This is too good.

Early this morning, I went past a Walgreens on the Berlin Turnpike in Newington only to find a digital sign that made me want to go, “You got to be shi kidding me.” The photo below explains it all.

"H1N1 Here" sign.

Anyone else who passed through this very Walgreens or anywhere on the Berlin Turnpike was like, “Son of a bitch! Now I’m gonna get sick!”

Route 14 Map

Did you know??? Route 14 in Connecticut and Rhode Island used to be part of the Revolutionary Road back in the late 18th century.

In the 1930s, Route 14 used to go from one end of the state to the next, even before crossing into Rhode Island en route to Downtown Providence. It incorporated roads in Middletown, Waterbury, and Middlebury that we now know as Route 64, Route 322, and Route 66. In Plainfield, Route 14 is split into two branches, one of which was once known as Route 14A (see outline I created on Google Maps).

The Route 14 of today is truncated to the corner of Brick Top Road and Boston Post Road (today’s route 66, formerly U.S. 6A) in Windham.