Category Archives: Twisted Christmas Carols!

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Trump

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Trump
(a Parody of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch)

You’re a mean one, Mr. Trump
You really are a schmuck
You’re as lovely as poison ivy
You’re as graceful as a duck
Mr. Tru-ump
When it comes to helping the poor, you just don’t give a fuck!

You’re a nut job, Mr. Trump
Your heart’s a bottomless hole
Your mouth is full of bullshit
You’ve got a brain made out of coal
Mr. Tru-ump
I wouldn’t touch you with an 18 3/4 foot pole

You’re a vile one, Mr. Trump
You have evil in your smirk
You have all the warmth and kindness of a whiskey drunken jerk
Mr. Tru-ump
Given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the whisky drunken jerk!

You’re a stinker, Mr. Trump
You’re a nasty, wasty runt
Not sure where that toupée has been
But you’re pulling quite a stunt
Mr. Tru-ump
The one word of the town you tried to tax, one word on whether you can, and one word to describe you are…
Kent, can’t, cunt!

You’re an asshat, Mr. Trump
You’re the king of drama queens
Your heart’s a smelly rotten pot with moldy collard greens
Mr. Tru-ump
You’re soul is the equivalent of a mind-fucking spoiled brat who whines, shouts, and pouts in order to get his way after being told no repeatedly…. in short, a kid who kicks and screams!

You infuriate me, Mr. Trump
Like a furious super sleaze
You’re a crooked wicked wacko
You bring lions to their knees
Mr. Tru-ump
You’re a four decker e-coli meat and horseradish sandwich…. with six-month-old cheese!

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The Most Wonderful Time for a Beard

Parody of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

It’s the most wonderful time for a beard
With those six months of swelling
And everyone telling
Gee, you look so weird
It’s teh most wonderful time of a beard
It’s the hair-hairiest season of all

With that winter cold bravin’
No I ain’t been shaving
Since early this fall
It’s the hair-hairiest season of all

There’ll be brushes for grooming
And mirrors from zooming
Those whiskers of hair that will grow
There’ll be razors I won’t use
And leftover hair booze
From Christmases a long time ago

It’s the most wonderful time for a beard
With that bouquet collecting
And people respecting
A face to be feared
It’s the most wonderful time for a beard

There’ll be mane pics for boasting
And trimmers for coasting
And no one will ever not know

It’s too cold to be shaven
When I’m in New Haven
So out of the building I go

It’s the most wonderful time for a beard
It’s so hard to remember
Since early September
Those whiskers appeared
It’s the most wonderful time
It’s the most wonderful time
It’s the most wonderful time
For a beard!

Louise Stole My Dog

It’s that time of year again! Christmas. Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. Take your pick. Well, here is a parody of “Feliz Navidad (I Want to Wish You a Merry Christmas)” by José Feliciano. Enjoy!

Louise stole my dog
Louise stoel my dog
Louise stole my dog
‘Cause I saw him riding in her brand new car
Louise stole my dog
Louise stoel my dog
Louise stole my dog
‘Cause I saw him riding in her brand new car

I won’t get to see him for Christmas
I wonder how much he’ll really miss us
I won’t get to see him for Christmas
And I think it’s so messed up
I won’t get to see him for Christmas
Not for all the hugs and kisses
I won’t get to see him for Christmas
And it really piss me off

Louise stole my dog
Louise stole my dog
Louise stole my dog
‘Cause I saw him riding in her brand new car
Louise stole my dog
Louise stole my dog
Louise stole my dog
‘Cause I saw him riding in her brand new car

I know he’s gonna miss our Christmas
Why’d she ever have to diss us?
He’s really gonna miss this Christmas
And it really makes me sad
I won’t get to see him for Christmas
Neither will the kids or missus
He’s really gonna miss this Christmas
I think that woman has gone mad

Louise stole my dog
Louise stole my dog
Louise stole my dog
When I saw him riding in her brand new car.

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas… in Connecticut

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through New Eng-land
Not a flurry was falling, but you wouldn’t understand
All the wreaths were hung, and the lights blinked along
Over 8 million Nutmeggers can’t be wrong

All of us slept snugly inside of our beds
While visions of tax cuts danced in our heads
Our state is in the crapper, no question about it
No reason to explain, I just wanna spout it

Santa could deliver lots and lots of toys
To all of the NUtmegger girls and boys
But, alas, America this year had to cut back
What disappointment for a lighter-loaded sack!

Did that stop Santa Claus? Hell to the no!
He found a way to increase the factory flow
He phoned China of all the places in the world
They sent him those toys, better yet, they hurled

He was a good driver, so we heard him exclaim,
Calling to summon all of his reindeer by name
On Bernanke! On Geithner! On Donald J. Trump!
Let’s make those kids smile in each one swift jump!

The whole town was dark, almost nothing was heard
You couldn’t hear a chirp of a singing bluebird
When what arose near me was such a clatter
I got up from bed to see what was the matter

It was old Saint Nick, or Joe Lieberman in disguise
It’s definitely Joe, I can tell by his eyes
His eyes were bloodshot, his nose like a cherry
His dimples, let’s not go there, it’s kinda scary

He would come down the chimney quick as a breeze
And spoil the people of Connecticut with ease
Every stocking had a plan about health care reform
As if he had worked out a Joe-mentous storm

When he was done, up the chimney he goes
The soot quickly filled the air as he rose
And I heard him exclaim in joyous pride,
“Merry Christmas, Connecticut, and Wess-SSSYYYYYDE!!!”

Lemon Sloe! (“Let it Snow!” parody)

Well, the weather outside was frightening,
But the drinks felt so enlightening,
‘Cause chugging’s the only way to go,
Lemon sloe, lemon sloe, lemon sloe!

And it doesn’t show signs of stopping,
Which keeps parties always popping,
And I don’t wanna leave, oh no,
Lemon sloe, lemon sloe, lemon sloe!

When it’s finally mixed up right,
It’ll help keep me out of the storm,
And putting it on ice day and night
Keeps the drink from getting too warm

And your friends will all keep spying,
But it’s them who will be buying,
But as long as the gin would flow,
Lemon sloe, lemon sloe, lemon sloe!

And your friends will all keep spying,
But it’s them who will be buying,
But as long as the gin would flow,
Lemon sloe, lemon sloe, lemon sloe!
Lemon sloe…..lemon sloe…..lemon sloe!

Crack My Balls

This is a parody of “Deck the Halls.”

Crack my balls for no good reason
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
Gettin’ screwed this Christmas season
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
Checked my mailbox for a bailout
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
But they threw all of my mail out
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la

See the car plants fail before us
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
Wall Street’s net worth seems real porous
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
The Iraq war made us weary
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Now we’re feeling very teary
Fa-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la

Deficit’s now at ten trillion
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
While they lay off by the millions
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
Kanye should have let her finish
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Healthcare re-form needs Kucinich
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la.

12 Days of Eating

A parody of “The 12 Days of Christmas.”

On the first day of eating, I’d really love to see
A big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the second day of eating, I’d really love to see
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the third day of eating, I’d really love to see
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the fourth day of eating, I’d really love to see
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the fifth day of eating, I’d really love to see
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the sixth day of eating, I’d really love to see
6 candy canes
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the seventh day of eating, I’d really love to see
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the eighth day of eating, I’d really love to see
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the ninth day of eating, I’d really love to see
9 rolls a-toasting,
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the tenth day of eating, I’d really love to see
10 bananas splitting,
9 rolls a-toasting,
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the eleventh day of eating, I’d really love to see
11 berries gelling,
10 bananas splitting,
9 rolls a-toasting,
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the twelfth day of eating, I’d really love to see
12 cakes a-caking,
11 berries gelling,
10 bananas splitting,
9 rolls a-toasting,
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!