Category Archives: S**t You Can’t Make Up

Twinkie the Kid (1930 – 2012)

This is a made-up eulogy of the Hostess Twinkie. Enjoy, bitches!!!

ImageThe Hostess Twinkie, 82 – Born in 1930 to James Alexander Dewar of the Continental Baking Company, who also goes by Twinkie the Kid, has departed his life on Friday, November 16, 2012 in an undisclosed U.S. territory due to complications of union greed.

Known to put a smile to every crying kid in America, Twinkie the Kid wrangled the evil bakery burglars with his lasso. Twinkie was also known to survive the apocalypse and suppress the “munchies” for those who smoke pot.

Twinkie the Kid leaves to mourn: his competitors Little Debbie, Tasty Kake, Drake’s Coffee Cake, and the Entenmann children.

Lifeguard Fired…. WTF!?

Sorry for the LOOONG delay, but June has been a shitty month for me. Anyway, I just need to ask one question that’s a-burnin’ a hole in my brain. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF COUNTRY DO WE LIVE IN WHEN A LIFEGUARD GETS FIRED FOR SOME STUPID SHIT? (I apologize for the all-caps and profane language, but this story has made me so mad.) Seriously, he’s a freaking lifeguard! He’s supposed to save lifes, even if it means putting his own on the line.

They gave him his job back, thank goodness. But they shouldn’t have given him the axe in the first place.

Riley’d Up

Definitely too good to make up.

Going “Souht”

Yes, there is yet another misspelling on a highway chyron sign that I must share with you. This time, it happens to be in Ohio in which the sign spells South S-O-U-H-T. Aaugh!! Haven’t we learned our lesson in say, North Carolina (or was it “Souht” Carolina)? I know I need to stop smoking the reefer, but this is ridiculous! [no picture available at this time]

Well, at least they spelled “Cincinnati” right, right? Spelling that freakin’ city’s name is a pain in the ass.

Fabio on Weather

Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.

After challenging the old Old Spice Guy, Mustafa, to a duel, Fabio landed on KOIN-TV Portland, Oregon as a meteorologist. To answer one anchor’s question of is there anything Fabio can’t do: no.  I ain’t ever seen Mustafa (that’s the old Old Spice guy) do that.

Follow You on What?

This is yet another item in the “S**t You Can’t Make Up” file.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has been eying for the 2012 presidential campaign since Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC has been talking about it, even before we rang in 2011. Though he meant “Twitter,” he reminded the conservatives that “you can always follow me on Tweeter.”

Two things. One: Tweeter, by the by, is the appliance store if you grew up in New England like me.  And two: who CAN’T you follow on Twitter? Passing notes in class is so 20th century.

Highway McRobbery

Are you effing kidding me!??! McDonald’s wants to start charging African-Americans an additional $1.50 per transaction. I don’t know what city this is from, but I am outraged. Is this particular McDonald’s assuming that ONLY African-Americans, such as myself, rob McDonald’s restaurants? Last time I checked, this was 2011, NOT the 1950s/early ’60s.

How “Obama” Was Killed???

How do you make this mistake. A reporter of the Canadian Global News called uses “Obama” rather than “Osama” three times on air. Though “Obama” and “Osama” are spelled similarly, it’s easy to confuse one with the other.

Impaired Judgment

I wish I was joking… or making this mess up, but Kobe Bryant shouted a homophobic slur during the game Tuesday night and was fined by the NBA. And he has nobody to blame but himself for that. I love how we’re free to speak our mind, but if you a role model to your younger fans, their parents can hold you to a higher standard, so you better be careful what you say and do.

What Bryant said, is a not nice word. It starts with an “f” and ends with as “t,” and it is intended to bash, demean, and discriminate the LGBT (leasbiasn, gasy, bisaezxuasl, asnd trasnasgender) community. As a result, Bryant owes the NBA $100K.

That’s it!? $100K!? Are you kidding me !!!?? With all the pain and suffering the members of the LGBT now have to go through, the punishment should have been much harsher. I don’t care how rich you are, where you live, you don’t use that word. Period. No exceptions. It is a HORRIBLE word. Just like when white people call us black people the “n” word. Listen, watch the video and judge for yourself.

Snoopy-Snoopy-Poop Dogg!?

Tooooooo good to make this mess up.

In a Fox News interview, co-chairman of President Obama’s deficit commission Alan Simpson tried to ostracize the elderly on Monday. Lawmakers warned against touching Social Security to solve the federal debt crisis. Simply put, he poked fun at Snoop Dogg and Eminem referring to both of them as “Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg” and “Enema Man” respectively (see vide0 below).

That reminds me of an ’80s Bill Cosby comedy skit.