Category Archives: Greeting Cards

5 Halloween Treats Every Kid HATES

Halloween will be here before you know it. And with Halloween comes candy giving… a group of youngsters come to you doorstep and squeal “Trick or treat!” Little does the kid know, he’d get something in his goodie bag other than candy like — gasp! — an open candy or, God forbid, a razor blade. Well, here are five Halloween treats every kid HATES. Now pay attention!

Fruits, such as apples and oranges: Seriously? Fruits qualify as treats any other day of the week, but not on Halloween. This is merely a trick rather than a treat.

Anything black licorice: Blecch!! I HATED it when I was a kid — it was horrible! I might as well have been eating frickin’ root beer as far as I’m concerned. And don’t get me started with Good & Plenty. What was it plenty of, licorice?!

Toothbrushes: Again, seriously???? Face it: kids love Halloween, dentists don’t. But come on…. it’s Halloween! Not National Piss Off Your Dentist Day!! Aaaaaugh!!! And what kid DOESN’T freaking hate a toothbrush as a Halloween treat?! “I’d LOVE to get a toothbrush for Halloween,” said no kid ever.

Raisins: Garfield the Cat hated them no matter what day of the year it is. Kids hate it on Halloween. This falls under the healthy category along with fruits. Ooooh let’s give the kids dried fruit — they’re gonna consume all that sugar anyway.

Circus peanuts: They do NOT taste like peanut butter despite being shaped as a peanut. They taste like disappointment — sugar coated disappointment.  You’re better off giving Junior a bag of peanuts.

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Happy New Year 2012

Gourd Picker

A “Gold Digger” parody, just in time for fall. Sorry, Kanye.

He pick them pumpkins
In fields of green
Yeah, he’s a harvesting machine
Oh, he’s a gourd picker
Straight from the town
Of Chicopee

(He pick them pumpkins) I ain’t hatin’ on the gourd pickers
(In fields of green) But it’s gotta get to my store quicker
(He pick them pumpkins) I ain’t hatin’ on the gourd pickers
(In fields of green) But it’s gotta get to my store quicker
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins off the ground
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins into town
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins off the ground
(Fields of Green) Get the pumpkins in here

Thirteen weeks, thirteen weeks
They been plantin’ them pumpkins for thirteen weeks
I know somebody payin’ top dollar to rake all his leaves
The biggest gourd in town, well, is probably his
You will see ’em in the market every October
Hauled by a trucker that’s barely been sober
He was supposed to drink some apple cider on that Monday
He got all lit up drunk like nitro on that Monday
He walkin’ around lookin’ like Psycho on that Monday
Shoulda’ got that gourd that’s ripened on that Monday (Monday)
If you like Halloween, holler we want pumpkins
WE WANT PUMPKINS, Yeah!
They’re really good for makin’ pies
Both for girls and guys, better recognize
Thirteen weeks, thirteen weeks
Come Thanksgiving day, I’m havin’ orange cheeks

(He pick them pumpkins) I ain’t hatin’ on the gourd pickers
(In fields of green) But it’s gotta get to my store quicker
(He pick them pumpkins) I ain’t hatin’ on the gourd pickers
(In fields of green) But it’s gotta get to my store quicker
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins off the ground
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins into town
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins off the ground
(Fields of Green) Get the pumpkins in here

I ain’t hatin’ on the gourd pickers, no sirree
You want to carve a gourd, but them knives ain’t free
You got out to your front lawn, there’s the leaves
There’s logs in the back, you gotta use ’em this week
But while it’s chilly, watch ’em
They gon’ fall off the branch like they did in Boston
It’s autumn tradition, baby, see with your eyes
In lieu of changin’ winds,  it’s all in the skies
So, let’s realize
That pumpkins come callin’ at discount price
And they gon’ keep rollin’ and flyin’
All day and night-er
And that autumn chill will leave you runnin’ for that cider
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins off the ground
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins into town
(Fields of green) Get the pumpkins off the ground
(Fields of Green) Get the pumpkins in town
Let me hear that, Jack?

Worth Fall-ing For

Ahhh... Fall

Apple cider. Fairs. Pumpkins and their pies. That nip in the air. All those could mean only one thing: it’s Fall.

It is difficult to appreciate the fall season as winter and summer get all the attention. In stores, the Ben & Jerry’s Pumpkin Cheesecake are well in stock. Dunkin’ Donuts wants you to fall for the fall favorites like the hot or iced apple cider and their pumpkin variety such as pumpkin latte.  And since it’s October, they’re selling pumpkin…  whatevers like hotcakes. They’ll even sell those through Thanksgiving.

But the one question that’s been burning in my mind: Why do they call it Oktoberfest if it happens in September?

Happy New Year

Feliz Año Nuevo

Bonne Année Nouvelle

“Merry Christmas” vs “Happy Holidays”

Courtesy: Worcester (MA) Telegram & Gazette.

In this day and age of political correctness, you’ve really got  to watch what you say (or do for that matter).

The days of the “Merry Christmas” moniker are now over. True, as a Christian, I celebrate Christmas, but there are other religions — Chanukah, for example is a Jewish holiday pertaining to the 8-day menorah lighting. There’s also Eid al-Fitr — celebrated by the Muslim world. Kwanzaa, on the other hand, is the only non-religious holiday to be celebrated in December.

Santa Claus may be comin’ to town to all the good Christian children, but Jewish children and Muslim children and children of other religions feel left out. As a result, we can no longer say “Merry Christmas.” It’s “Happy Holidays” now. But let’s be honest — have we ever said “Merry Christmas”? If so, who gets offended by Santa Claus?

There’s an iPod-ful of Christmas carols that fill the airwaves and get you in the holiday spirit. That is, if you’re into that. As for me, I got fa-la-la-la-la comin’ out my ying-yang. But because there so many Christmas carols out there and to give Jewish kids something to celebrate during Chanukah, Adam Sandler developed three different variations of “The Chanukah Song.”

No matter what the season, there is always a reason to be politically correct. But political correctness needs to have its limits.

A Thanksgiving Haiku

Turkey and stuffing
Leave no room for pumpkin pie.
Happy Thanksgiving!