Monthly Archives: December 2009

Brittany Murphy Dead

Brittany Murphy at Australian premiere of "Happy Feet".

The death of Brittany Murphy at age 32 came as a shock to many of her fans because she had such a promising career. For those who don’t know Brittany Murphy, she starred in Just Married, Clueless, 8 Mile, and several others. She also provided the voice of one penguin in Happy Feet. Add music to her list of accomplishments in her career.

Her mother found her unconscious in the shower earlier this morning. She was immediately rushed to Cedar-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles where she died at 10:04 a.m.  Pacific Time (or 1:04 p.m. here on the east coast), according to TMZ. Along with her fans and mother, she leaves behind Simon Sonjack, her husband of two years, to mourn her death.

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Santa Clause

All naughty kids beware: Evil Santa is watching you.

All naughty kids beware: Evil Santa is watching you.

If you listen to the lyrics of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” it is proof that Santa Claus is a stalker. And he’s watching every little boy and girl throughout the whole year. And you know how bad it feels to be watched 24/7. Without further ado, let’s break down the lyrics of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” into separate verses.

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

Who are you to tell me I better not cry and I better not pout? You don’t know me! The first 5 lines of that song is a considered a threat — which is intended to  scare children. Children are forbidden to cry, and most importantly, forbidden to fuss around — until December 24th. To me, that’s kinda serial rapist-esque. Let me ask you something; does not crying and being good all year help the child at all? Of course not!

He’s making a list, and checking it twice
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and nice

How creepy is that! Santa knows more about me than either of my parents does. That, my friends, is the TRUE work of a stalker. Kinda like Big-Brother-is-Watching-You speak. But I digress.

He sees you when you’re sleepin’
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

See? DEFINITELY stalker-ish. Or Santa works for the CIA. Or he’s a pedophile. Or all of those at once. No one ever knows. Santa keeps tabs on who is good or bad all year, so you better be good for goodness sake. And not just your own sake, but the sake of everyone else. Otherwise, you won’t get anything. Not exactly true. Santa does not care if the child has been bad or good; he rarely delivers on his promise. Being good all year and not crying and not pouting does NOT guarantee a mountain of presents underneath one’s tree, and driving one’s parents crazy by not listening to them won’t mean they will be empty-handed come Christmas morning.

Name for a New Decade

We can’t even figure out a perfect name for this decade and Australia is thinking ahead — a name for the next decade, i.e. the 2010s. Such names as “Tenties” and “teenies” were great, but “One-ders” kicked both their asses. It’s this decade that needs a name we can all agree on. You got your 20s, 30s, 40s, and so on. But when the second to the last digit begins with a “o” or a “1”, things get a little tricky.

You got to check it out. [Click here]

Lemon Sloe! (“Let it Snow!” parody)

Well, the weather outside was frightening,
But the drinks felt so enlightening,
‘Cause chugging’s the only way to go,
Lemon sloe, lemon sloe, lemon sloe!

And it doesn’t show signs of stopping,
Which keeps parties always popping,
And I don’t wanna leave, oh no,
Lemon sloe, lemon sloe, lemon sloe!

When it’s finally mixed up right,
It’ll help keep me out of the storm,
And putting it on ice day and night
Keeps the drink from getting too warm

And your friends will all keep spying,
But it’s them who will be buying,
But as long as the gin would flow,
Lemon sloe, lemon sloe, lemon sloe!

And your friends will all keep spying,
But it’s them who will be buying,
But as long as the gin would flow,
Lemon sloe, lemon sloe, lemon sloe!
Lemon sloe…..lemon sloe…..lemon sloe!

Crack My Balls

This is a parody of “Deck the Halls.”

Crack my balls for no good reason
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
Gettin’ screwed this Christmas season
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
Checked my mailbox for a bailout
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
But they threw all of my mail out
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la

See the car plants fail before us
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
Wall Street’s net worth seems real porous
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
The Iraq war made us weary
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Now we’re feeling very teary
Fa-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la

Deficit’s now at ten trillion
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
While they lay off by the millions
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la
Kanye should have let her finish
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Healthcare re-form needs Kucinich
Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-la.

12 Days of Eating

A parody of “The 12 Days of Christmas.”

On the first day of eating, I’d really love to see
A big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the second day of eating, I’d really love to see
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the third day of eating, I’d really love to see
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the fourth day of eating, I’d really love to see
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the fifth day of eating, I’d really love to see
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the sixth day of eating, I’d really love to see
6 candy canes
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the seventh day of eating, I’d really love to see
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the eighth day of eating, I’d really love to see
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the ninth day of eating, I’d really love to see
9 rolls a-toasting,
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the tenth day of eating, I’d really love to see
10 bananas splitting,
9 rolls a-toasting,
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the eleventh day of eating, I’d really love to see
11 berries gelling,
10 bananas splitting,
9 rolls a-toasting,
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

On the twelfth day of eating, I’d really love to see
12 cakes a-caking,
11 berries gelling,
10 bananas splitting,
9 rolls a-toasting,
8 cookies baking,
7 pounds of ham,
6 candy canes,
5 turkey wings,
4 gingerbread men,
3 kinds of stuffing,
2 apple pies,
And a big bowl of lemonade tea!

My Favorite Things

Turkey with stuffing, and gingerbread cookies
Cinnamon eggnog, and choc-o-late nookies
Spicy sauce covering Buffalo wings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Spending two hours of glorious binging
College ball reruns so tempting and cringing
Battle ain’t over till the fat lady sings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Sleeping till noon on the afternoon after
Hanging with fellas and sharing the laughter
Wondering how much the ev-en-ing brings
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the bars close
When the teams choke
When I’m feeling bad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I can thank my Dad!