Daily Archives: December 18, 2009

Santa Clause

All naughty kids beware: Evil Santa is watching you.

All naughty kids beware: Evil Santa is watching you.

If you listen to the lyrics of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” it is proof that Santa Claus is a stalker. And he’s watching every little boy and girl throughout the whole year. And you know how bad it feels to be watched 24/7. Without further ado, let’s break down the lyrics of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” into separate verses.

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

Who are you to tell me I better not cry and I better not pout? You don’t know me! The first 5 lines of that song is a considered a threat — which is intended to¬† scare children. Children are forbidden to cry, and most importantly, forbidden to fuss around — until December 24th. To me, that’s kinda serial rapist-esque. Let me ask you something; does not crying and being good all year help the child at all? Of course not!

He’s making a list, and checking it twice
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and nice

How creepy is that! Santa knows more about me than either of my parents does. That, my friends, is the TRUE work of a stalker. Kinda like Big-Brother-is-Watching-You speak. But I digress.

He sees you when you’re sleepin’
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

See? DEFINITELY stalker-ish. Or Santa works for the CIA. Or he’s a pedophile. Or all of those at once. No one ever knows. Santa keeps tabs on who is good or bad all year, so you better be good for goodness sake. And not just your own sake, but the sake of everyone else. Otherwise, you won’t get anything. Not exactly true. Santa does not care if the child has been bad or good; he rarely delivers on his promise. Being good all year and not crying and not pouting does NOT guarantee a mountain of presents underneath one’s tree, and driving one’s parents crazy by not listening to them won’t mean they will be empty-handed come Christmas morning.