The following message is the lyrics from Hard ‘n’ Phirm’s Not Illegal, posted from my old blog three months ago.
(Hard) So many things in this world you cannot do!
(Phirm) I was just saying that.
(Hard) It’s like someone is always coming down on you!
(Phirm) That IS what it’s like.
(Hard) But there’s a world of freedom out there… (Phirm) Where?
(Hard) …if you are creative (Phirm) Ohh…
(Hard) Now in this Schoolhouse Rock-style jam, I shall now get demonstrative
Lickin’ up bank is not illegal (Really?) Look it up
Fuckin’ a tree is not illegal (How?) If you own private property
Shavin’ a cat is not illegal (Now that’s just weird)
Marrying your mom is not illegal
(Why would I?) That’s not the point!!!
It may be wrong but I know my rights
You can take your little cape and some itty-bitty tights
and stretch ’em over your nuts and that’s not illegal. Now you try it…
(Phirm) Uh….makin’ your bed is not illegal…
(Hard) Nononono, pay attention, pay attention.
Sometimes I go to the li-bra-ry
and I put up lotsa books where they should not be
and the worst they can do is to ask me to leave
’cause I’ve done nothing il-le-ga-ly
You gotta look at what’s written DOWN in the law
and then float PAST that to find your hidden gems of freedom, Phirm
and while I’m on the topic… hidin’ in a bush is not illegal
(Phirm) Yeah, I’ve got as much right to be there as a squirrel or a cat!
(Hard) Yeah… suckin’ on a Bible is not illegal
(Phirm) Because of the seperation of church and state. (Hard) Probably.
Now you can live your life for doing what you want
(Phirm) They can lock you out, but not lock you up
(Hard) Grab a fork and eat a brain…
(Phirm) …and that’s not illegal! Wait, that’s not illegal?
(Hard) I’m still a free man. [ Audience Laughs ]
(Phirm) Let me see if I get what your saying, you’re basically saying…
No man can go and leave the law down below
but there are loopholes where the law don’t flow
and the more that you know, the more you can grow
and keep 5-0 offa your front do’ (Hard) Well said.
(Phirm) So it’s not so much about following what John Q. Lawmaker says I can’t do
but rather surfing a wave of the morally questionable, but not unlawful!
(Phirm) Fartin’ on the President is not illegal
(Hard) Now you’re gettin’ it!
(Phirm) Wakin’ up drunk is not illegal (Hard) Oh, he’s just showing off now.
(Phirm) Follow-ing you home is not illegal (Hard) He’ll do it, too!
(Phirm) Spittin’ on a baby, not illegal! (Both) In France!
(Phirm) You might feel like an enemy of the state…
(Hard) …but that’s what makes this land so great
(Both) you can take all the napkins in the fast food restaurant, and that’s not illegal!
The system (I beat ’em!)
My lawyer (Don’t need him!)
Offenses (Repeat ’em!)
Miranda Rights don’t read ’em, ’cause…
(Hard) Lickin’ a beagle, breedin’ seagulls, you can be regal if you’re pissing on eagles
(Phirm) Punchin’ a whale, or shippin’ a sail an’ sailin’ a ship while ticklin’ sailors
(Hard) Mailin’ a snake…
(Phirm) …swearin’ in Braille
(Hard) …wearin’ a cape
(Phirm) …growin’ a tail
(Both) …pissin’ off your boss is not illegal…
(Phirm) …but pissing ON your boss
(Hard) …now that’s illegal.